Self Esteem chapters

Please find below the weekly information with links to the tasks tab which will hold the activities.

 

Chapter 1 - Brain Dump

Brain Dump

set alarm for 5 minutes and open Brain Dump notebook. Free write whatever is in your head. There are no rules when it comes to the content itself. Just dump it all in a journal and forget about it. Don’t stop writing before the alarm rings. 

You should never read what you have written.

This is a dumpster of all self-deprecating evil, my friend, that you’ve been living with for years! Hence, we won’t keep anything we write.

Consider it a trash can. You dumped all the fear-based thoughts of inadequacy …and it’s all gone for good! Getting rid of that stuff first thing in the morning will work miracles.

Once the alarm sounds rip the pages out and rip them up, put them in the bin and don't think of them again.

Chapter 2 - Self-Esteem Test

Self-Esteem Test

Complete the list of statements dealing with your general feelings about yourself.

Remember, when it comes to personal growth, being honest with yourself is at the crux of it.

 

Click the Tasks tab in the headers and tally up your score to all the questions.

 

Your Scores 

Low (10-25): Your answers indicate feelings of incompetence, inadequacy, and difficulty facing life’s challenges. Hang in there, buddy! Diligently complete every lesson with all the tasks involved, pay special attention to the tools and techniques we provide in The First Aid lessons, and you’ll improve your self-esteem dramatically. It is just the beginning of an incredible journey! Hop on!

 

Medium (26-29): Your answers indicate that you are fluctuating between feelings of approval and rejection. One moment you feel on top of the world, the next – you are tumbling down. Hang in there, buddy! Diligently complete every lesson with all the tasks involved, pay special attention to the tools and techniques we provide in The First Aid lessons, and you’ll build self-esteem that is to keep. It is just the beginning of an incredible journey! Hop on!

 

High (30-40): Your answers indicate that you have a self-judgement of value, confidence, and competence. We applaud you! However, there is a reason you are here. Perhaps your self-esteem tends to fluctuate, or you’ve just been through a rough patch in life. Or maybe your moto in life is constant and never-ending improvement. Whatever drove you here, it is just the beginning of an incredible journey. Hop on!

Chapter 3 - Feeling Not Good Enough

Feeling Not Good Enough

 

An amazing guy is making vague remarks about wanting to go out with you, yet because you feel like he couldn’t possibly be interested in you, you dismiss it as a joke. 

 

You are working your butt off at the job where they pay you peanuts, yet you are afraid to ask for more money. 

 

At the parties among people, you often feel intimidated by somebody else’s intelligence, beauty, or achievements. It’s that sinking feeling of being somewhat less than those around you. 

 

If any of the above happens to you more often than not, you have low self-esteem, my Friend.

What Is Low Self-Esteem?

Having low self-esteem means you do not think of yourself as worthy a person as you actually are. As a result, you might not have high regard for yourself.  


The Symptoms of Low Self-Esteem

- You may not feel capable or confident in your abilities. 
- You may criticize yourself harshly and feel anxious and afraid of making mistakes even while performing the tasks of low importance.
- You may feel unloved, inadequate, or incompetent.
- You may struggle with a fear of letting others down.

The Cost of Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem influences what you think, how you feel, and how you behave. Hence, it produces significant negative ramifications for your success, enjoyment, and happiness in life.

It affects every aspect of your life, from your health, personal relationships, and career to your ability to manage adversities and recover from failure.

Don’t get disheartened though, it is possible to overcome low self-esteem, and we will do it together one small step at a time.

Head to the task to complete today’s step.

What’s Your “Not Enoughness” Story?

Chapter 4 - How Did You Get Here?

How Did You Get Here?

Early childhood experiences and the lack of love and encouragement contribute greatly to the development of low self-esteem. 

Impact of Childhood Experiences

Early life experiences like neglect, abuse, or bullying play a role in causing low self-esteem. As a result, kids develop a sense of worthlessness and form a belief that they are inadequate. Hence, “deserve” the poor behaviour from others. This belief then is carried into adult life. 


Neglect

In childhood, if you were neglected (your needs weren’t met) by your parents or caregivers, you are much more likely to have poor self-esteem.


Disapproving Authoritative Figures

Imagine, you come back from school bringing 9 out of 10 from the math test. Your father looks at you angrily and asks, “9? Why not 10!?”. This is a classic example of disapproval. If you never felt good enough for your parents, you are most likely feeling not up to scratch in your adult years too.

 

Trauma & Abuse

These have the most profound affect on people’s self-esteem. There is a lot of shame and guilt associated with them. The child takes the blame – develops a feeling that they did something to deserve it, that they are “bad” or “not good enough”.

 

Comparison

Between the ages of 7 and 12 years, children start to compare themselves to their peers. Cognitive abilities and social factors may determine the child’s worth in comparison to others.

 

Lack of Love & Encouragement

Even though you might have been lucky enough to not have any adverse experiences, the lack of positive ones, such as love, warmth, encouragement, and appreciation, may have greatly contributed to your low self-esteem.

Today’s task invites you to do some digging to understand what might have had the greatest impact on your self-esteem. Your honest answers will massively aid you on this journey as we move along.

Chapter 5 - The First Aid #1: Practice Self-Compassion

The First Aid #1: Practice Self-Compassion

Have you ever lost your temper at yourself? Blamed, criticised, called names and beat yourself up for doing something you regret? This is called self-condemnation, and we do it oh-so-often. Do you think it adds to our self-esteem or takes away from it? Of course, takes away. It chips at our self-esteem daily. 

 

There is a better way though. Instead of scolding ourselves for the tiniest mistakes, we can start practicing self-compassion.

 

What Is Self-Compassion


Self-compassion is a positive attitude we can have toward ourselves. It means being able to relate to ourselves in a way that is forgiving, accepting, and loving when situations might be less than optimal. 


3 Elements of Self-Compassion


Dr. Kristin Neff, an author, and a pioneer of self-compassion has identified three elements of self-compassion.


Mindfulness

 

Being aware of what is going on in the moment, physically, emotionally, and mentally. In other words, acknowledging the pain.

 

Self-Kindness

 

Treating ourselves with kindness, considering our needs. The way we would treat a friend.

 

Common Humanity

 

Recognizing that painful experiences are a normal part of being a human. We all make mistakes, fail, and do things we regret later. 

 

Whenever you catch yourself treating YOU harshly for what you have or haven’t done, bring yourself back to the moment to understand what you feel (hurt, sadness, anger, etc.). Remember, it is only human. Then treat YOU as you would treat a friend.

 

Head to the task for today to learn how to treat YOU like a friend.

Chapter 6 - The Avatar of Future You

The Avatar of Future You

First things first, before we start journeying any farther, I want you to understand that it is absolutely crucial for you to know where you are going. What is the outcome of this program specifically for you? At the end of it, who are you? What do you look like? What are you capable of?

The Role of Human Identity

One of the greatest human needs is to stay congruent with our identity. If you say, “I am a failure” or “I have nothing to be proud of”, these are strong statements. We’ll work on them in depth further in the program, but for now… 

Anything that comes after “I am” indicates that it is a part of your identity. For as long as you identify yourself with these traits, chances of changing your self-esteem for the better are very slim. Today’s lesson, my friend, is all about creating an inspiring vision of future you (an Avatar if you wish!). One that has no limitations.

The Avatar of Future You


Close your eyes for a moment and imagine yourself couple of months from now: you’ve diligently completed every lesson in this program, used The First Aid tools and techniques in your journey, gave all your oomph...  

Now you are standing confident and proud of yourself, your self-esteem has sky-rocketed, you have found courage to do things you’ve always dreamed of (asked that girl/guy on a date, applied for promotion, etc.). Who are you now?

 

Head to the task for today to create the avatar of future you!

Chapter 7 - The First Aid #2: Use Comparison to Your Benefit

The First Aid #2: Use Comparison to Your Benefit

 

We are constantly being bombarded with images of gorgeous holiday locations, perfect bikini bodies, cute babies, and budding romances. Scrolling down your social media feed may take you to the ugly place of comparison, inferiority, envy, judgement and just a general feeling of something being not quite OK. Drop that like a hot potato!

 

Remember, to establish your own worth the only person you ever need to compare yourself to is you. 

Food for Thought

- You are uniquely beautiful and talented.
- Comparing yourself to other people is like comparing apples to bananas – pointless to say the least.
- Very little of what you see on social media is the full truth.
- Don’t buy into somebody else’s desires – discover and stay faithful to your own.

 

Use Comparison to Inspire Action

 

Yes, my friend, comparison can be used to our benefit. However, it can only be of any value when we use it for the purposes of growth, for the acknowledgement that we are not living our full potential. It should only inspire action, not lead us to feelings of low self-esteem or lack. 

 

Let’s learn to use comparison to our benefit in today’s task.

Chapter 8 - instant Self-Image shift

Instant Self-Image Shift

 

We have already established that self-esteem refers to what you think of yourself rather than what others think of you. Often, for people with low self-esteem, there is a great dissonance between the two. 

 

To realise that others love, value, and appreciate you for who you are (not skinnier, not smarter, and not more achieved!), is to have an instant shift in your self-image. This is the aim for today’s lesson, so (I beg you) don’t skip the task.

 

Never Lose Again

Keep in mind, that we, humans, aren’t perfect. There will always be things that we are great at, and things that we need to improve. 

 

Nelson Mandela famously said, “I never lose; I either win or learn”. People with low self-esteem tend to take each failure as a proof that they are unworthy or less capable. It’s time to change that, my friend.

 

Growth Mindset vs. Fixed Mindset

 

Growth mindset is built on the belief that everyone can grow, learn, and get better. What a relief! In fact, the growth mindset invites us to approach struggle, pain, and failure with an open mind, accepting and even welcoming the challenges. 

 

On the other side we have a fixed mindset. It is based on the belief that we are born with a certain amount of intelligence, and aptitude, and that’s all we get. Failure is viewed as doom and gloom. In other words, as something that proves one to be a loser for good. Yikes!

 

Great news – growth mindset can be cultivated, and it can tremendously change how you feel about yourself. 

 

The Importance of Feedback

 

Feedback is not only an essential tool for cultivating growth mindset as it identifies areas where we need to step up, but it also allows us to feel appreciated for things we are great at already. It’s a double-way street. 

 

Start asking for feedback and remember, we are always fishing for good stuff as well as for areas of improvement.

 

Today’s task provides you with your first opportunity!

Chapter 9 - Stop Fuelling Your Low Self-Esteem

Stop Fuelling Your Low Self-Esteem 

Going through life, we establish certain habits that fuel our low self-esteem, closing us in the loop of helplessness and disappointment.

 

Getting Stuck in Victimhood

Do you ever feel like life is happening to you rather than for you? We have a choice in life to either play a role of a hero or of a victim. When we play the latter, we feel helpless to change anything. Being a hero simply means taking responsibility for our own life (it’s up to us to change it).

 

Aiming for Perfection

Perfection doesn’t exist. It’s an arduous aim that sets us up for failure before we even begin. Wouldn’t it be better to just aim for progress?


Inward Focus

It is a constant focus on how bad we feel as opposed to focusing outwardly and seeing other people. The best antidote to that is helping someone who is in bigger trouble than we are. I started volunteering when I was going through a rough patch in my life, it totally changed the way I felt. 

Lack of Boundaries

If we say “yes” to people despite feeling used by them, it further adds to our low self-esteem. 

 

Staying Within Your Comfort Zone

Staying comfortable means that we don’t have to overcome our limitations, we don’t improve, grow, or evolve. We need the smallest victories to rebuild our self-esteem brick by brick.

 

Focusing On the Negatives

In fact, this is a big one. So big that today’s task is designed to help you shift it. We are also going to work on it tomorrow. 

 

When we are focusing on the negatives (things we can’t afford, mistakes we’ve made in the past, etc.), we feel bad, and our self-esteem takes a hit. When we are focusing on things that we appreciate or are excited about, we feel great. Great news, my friend - our focus determines how we feel, and we have the power to direct it!

 

Let’s train ourselves to look for positives with today’s task.

 

Chapter 10 - The First Aid #3: Play the Appreciation Game

The First Aid #3: Play the Appreciation Game

 

According to the research conducted by Berkeley University, gratitude unshackles us from toxic emotions. We cannot feel appreciative and fearful, angry, resentful, or lacking at the same time. When we shift our focus from what is wrong in our lives to what we can appreciate, the way we feel changes instantaneously. 

Gratitude & Self-Esteem


The studies have also shown that long-term playing the appreciation game increases our determination, attention, enthusiasm, and energy levels. Our self-esteem goes up too! The long-term benefits of the “game” might take time to kick in but don’t let it discourage you. It is like building a muscle. We exercise several times a week to get fit. Of course, we feel great after every work-out, but more obvious results are visible in time. 

 

Is It Worth Trying?

 

When you feel frustrated, angry, jealous, lacking, can you make good decisions, can you come up with creative ideas? How would your relationship change if you traded your expectations for appreciation? 
 
Gratitude is a short-cut to feeling good, it is an antidote for any negative emotion. Whilst in the beginning feeling appreciative rather than resentful might be an effort, with practice it becomes natural.

What Will Happen to My Goals?!

 

 

Gratitude doesn’t mean that we stop striving to improve our living conditions, that we bury our career goals or stay in an unfulfilling relationship. 
 
Instead, we are reaching towards our dreams from a place of happiness and contentment – we make better decisions, we enjoy the ride, we have insights that guide us, we experience coincidences that help us get to where we want to go much quicker.
 
Head to the task for today and see how you can start feeling great about yourself in minutes!

 

Chapter 11 - Don’t Play Small

Don't Play Small


Welcome back!

 

Will you continue playing small by shrinking yourself to the size of a peanut and pretending that you don’t matter, or will you rise to the occasion and claim your power back? It’s up to you.




Once Upon a Time…

 

The father and the son from the Cherokee tribe were sat around the fire sharpening their spears for the next day’s hunt. In the silence of the night the father asked his son whether he knew that there are two wolves living inside every person. 

 

“Two wolves!?” the boy shouted slightly puzzled. “Yes, two wolves and they are constantly fighting with each other. One wolf represents wisdom, awareness, and light. The other wolf represents the darkness, the greed, the evil”, explained the father. “Which wolf does usually win?” asked the boy. 

 

“The one that you feed the most”, the father said mysteriously looking right into boy’s big brown eyes as if to see if his soul heard it.




What Are You Feeding?

 

Are you feeding self-esteem or self-deprecation? Think about it as you always have a choice between beating yourself up or using self-compassion, focusing on what is lacking or appreciating what you have... Today, really ask yourself this question and be honest. 

 

Well done for completing the first 11 days of the program. I am so hyped for you and for the positive changes you are making!

 

In your notes (physical or digital), reflect on the past 5 days and answer the questions below.

  1. Which wolf have you been feeding for the past 5 days - the one that adds up to your self-esteem or self-deprecation?
  2. Have you experienced any differences in how you feel?

 

Chapter 12 - Stop Your Past from Affecting Your Present 

Stop Your Past from Affecting Your Present 

 

Welcome back!

 

Now that you understand what self-esteem is and have several tools to pick yourself up when you awaken in the emotional dumpster, it’s time to go deep and address the issue of low self-esteem at the core level.

Continue with Brain Dump every morning, also return to The First Aid exercises for support when needed as the waters are about to get rough, my friend. We’ve got to stop your past from affecting your present once and for all. 




It's Your Responsibility Now

 

Somewhere down the line you’ve got the idea that you’re somewhat unworthy, less than, not beautiful / smart / attractive / capable enough. Whether your caregivers withheld their love, or you were bullied at school, you are a grown-up now. Our childhood experiences shouldn’t act as an excuse for playing small and not rising to the occasion. We shouldn’t spend our lives blaming our past for our misfortunes.

It literally hurts us and prevents us from becoming who we are capable of being, in other words, from stepping into our greatness. It may come as a surprise but with responsibility comes freedom to change things. Whoa! You may want to write it on a post it note and stick somewhere visible.




The Power of Meaning

 

It’s not what happens to us, it’s the meaning we give it. Let me tell you a (real) story…

Twin boys grew up with a father who was a raging alcoholic. Forty years later one of the boys is a raging alcoholic just like his father, the other one is a very successful surgeon. Both men were asked the same question, “What made you this way?”. The first one answered, “I’m an alcoholic just like my father was, how else could I have turned out having grown up in such environment!”. The boy who has grown into successful surgeon said, “Growing up with an alcoholic father taught me how not to be, I knew I had to have discipline and to build resilience to persevere when going gets tough, alcohol was never an option”.

What a difference meaning makes! One of the brothers used his past experience as an excuse, the other one – as a driving force to create a better life.

 

Change the Meaning

 

In Lesson 4 you described your childhood experiences. Remember? It is time to look at them anew and change the meaning. Could you take anything from those experiences and use it to propel yourself into better future?


Head to the task for today.



Task:

Change the Meaning

The meaning we give to events in our life determines whether we fall victim or become heroes. Be a hero in your own life, my friend.

Review your childhood experiences you’ve previously described, and ask yourself the following questions:

  1. How can I see this differently? What was the gift in disguise here? Am I stronger because of what happened? Am I more compassionate towards others?
  2. How could I use these experiences as a driving force to create the life of my wildest dreams?

 

Chapter 13 - The Self-Esteem Model

The Self-Esteem Model

In today’s lesson I’d like to introduce to you The Self-Esteem Model. It graphically explains where low self-esteem begins and how then it is being reinforced throughout our lives. Until the moment we stop the cycle, of course. In fact, that’s the aim for the next 10+ lessons – to stop the cycle, my friend.

Negative Life Experiences

We have covered this already in the previous lessons. Don’t underestimate the impact of the smallest childhood experiences. It may sound ridiculous that such an incident as a refusal by the caregiver to buy us the candy, can scar us. However, we are incredibly imprintable when we are small, and our nervous system is easy to overwhelm.

Negative Core Beliefs about Yourself

Negative experiences in our childhood and adolescence can have an impact on how we see ourselves, and we may form unfavourable core beliefs about our worth and abilities as a result. I must mention that unpleasant life experiences do not always lead to negative core beliefs. However, they do play a role in their formation. 

As a child I had red hair. It was just me and my brother who were redheads on the block. As a result, we were constantly called names and made fun of. Somewhere down the line, I developed a core belief of being an ugly girl. 

Unhelpful Rules & Assumptions

Then we come up with all kinds of rules and assumptions that help us get by without crumbling and maintain some sense of worth, given the truth of the negative core beliefs we hold about ourselves.

As I firmly believed that I wasn’t pretty, in my teenage years, I developed a rule that I must be stronger, smarter, and more powerful than boys. I became a real tomboy.

Unhelpful Behavior

The rules and assumptions we make lead us to act in ways that aren’t particularly beneficial because they maintain our negative core beliefs.

I started competing with the boys – who have bigger balls, basically. I was trying to defeat them in sports, maths, physics… I had to be better than them, so it wouldn’t hurt that much that I was ugly.

Do you think boys liked me much? Of course they didn’t. As a result, my core belief of being an ugly girl was reinforced.

Identify the Cycle 

In the next lessons, we will look at your core beliefs, rules and assumptions you made and the behavior you display in detail.

However, for now review your “Not Enoughness” Story you wrote in Lesson 3 and head to the task for today.

Task:

Identify the Cycle

One of your negative core beliefs is reflected in your “Not Enoughness” Story you wrote in Lesson 3. If you haven’t done so yet, review the story. Once you find your negative core belief, identify the cycle you are in based on that belief.

Your Cycle

  • Negative Life Experiences (events, relationships, situations that may have influenced your view of yourself) – what experience could have led to this negative core belief you identified?
  • Negative Core Beliefs (evaluation of worth/value as a person; conclusions about yourself based on experience – this is the kind of person I am) – your negative core belief from “Not Enoughness” Story in Lesson 3. 
  • Unhelpful Rules & Assumptions (guidelines, rules, or strategies for getting by, given the truth of the negative core beliefs about myself) – what rules or assumptions did you establish in order to get by having that belief about yourself?
  • Unhelpful Behavior (the things I do to try to live up to my rules and assumptions) – how do you act as a result?

 

Chapter 14 - Negative Core Beliefs About Yourself 

Negative Core Beliefs About Yourself 

According to psychologists, beneath the feeling of low self-esteem lie the core negative beliefs that we hold about ourselves. You can think of self-esteem as a thought or a belief occurring on a continuum. It may vary in intensity from low to high across different individuals.




Invisible Enemies

 

Our negative core beliefs govern our decision-making process in a way that is not immediately obvious (invisible enemies, right!?). We may not know why we don’t take certain steps toward success until we start digging a little deeper. 

 

For example, no matter how badly you like that girl, you may never even consider asking her out. Your negative core belief may be that you are not good enough as a man (so, why risk rejection!?). 




3 Main Categories of Negative Core Beliefs

 

Dr. Judith Beck proposes three main categories of negative core beliefs about the self. These are at the crux of low self-esteem.

 

Helplessness 

Negative core beliefs in this category are related to personal incompetence, vulnerability, and inferiority, e.g. “I am stupid”.

 

Unlovability 

Unlovability-related core beliefs include the fear that we are not likeable and incapable of intimacy, e.g. “I am unlovable the way I am”.

 

Worthlessness

Worthlessness-related core beliefs are about insignificance and being a burden to others, e.g. “I am not worthy of other people’s time”.



Identify Your Negative Core Beliefs

 

Psychologists have established that there are some common negative core beliefs that people with low self-esteem tend to hold about themselves. I am sharing these with you to help you see if any of these ring true to you. You also have an option to add your own beliefs to the list. 

 

Select Negative Core Beliefs

 

Please select from the list of common negative core beliefs ones that resonate with you the most (maximum 3, including the ones you add manually):

 

I am not good enough

I am not safe

I am vulnerable

I am helpless

I don’t belong here

I am unwelcome

I don’t fit in anywhere

I am lost

I am all alone

I can’t help myself

I am unwanted

I should not be here at all

I am unworthy

I am not interesting enough

I never come first

I am not valuable

I am unimportant

I am nobody

I am incompetent

I am inferior

I am unsuccessful

I am disposable

I can’t control anything

I am a failure

I am a mistake

I am not trustworthy

I am always wrong

I can’t get it right

I am guilty

I am bad

I am ugly

I am useless

I don’t deserve to be loved

I am invisible

I don’t matter

I am unlovable

 

Chapter 15 - The First Aid #4: Quick Self-Regulation Techniques

The First Aid #4: Quick Self-Regulation Techniques

 

All those times you did or said something in the heat of emotion… only to regret it later. We all have been there, my friend. However, people with low self-esteem are more reactive because they feel as if they are constantly under attack, they also tend to take things more personally. 

 

If another person even accidentally alludes to you being incompetent, you get a knee-jerk reaction. Why? Because it hurts… and it hurts because you believe it to be true in your core. If somebody told you that you are an orange, you would just laugh, because you know that’s not true.

 

Regain Access to Logic & Reasoning

 

When we feel overwhelmed, anxious, upset, or confused, the amygdala in our brain blocks access to our prefrontal cortex. A part of our brain that helps us respond rather than react. To regain access to our logic and reasoning, we need to deliberately create a break.

 

Below are six proven ways to do it. 

 

Square Breathing

This is a deep breathing activity that involves breathing while following the shape of a square. Breathe in for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4. Repeat this process for 8 repetitions. 

 

Count to 10

In your head slowly count from 10 to 1 (backwards) before you blurt something out that you might regret later. This is probably something you’ve heard growing up. Still works!

 

Shake It Off

This one may sound strange but bear with us. Vigorously shaking the body actually helps us reset the nervous system. For the sake of fun, you can do it to your favourite music.  

Body Scan

Close your eyes. Starting from your toes, squeeze as tight as you can, and then release. Move up to the legs, buttocks, abdomen, hands, arms, neck, and face. To finish up, squeeze the entire body, hold for a few seconds, and then release. 

Shift Your Focus

When we are stressed, we tend to focus our attention on the problem - we zoom in. Deliberately move your sight and attention from one object to the next in the room. In other words, have a good look around.

 

Mini Exercise

Stand up straight and reach your arms above your head, stretching as high as they can go when you inhale. Then bend over and touch your toes (or whatever part of your body you can reach), reaching as low as you can when you exhale. Repeat this movement 6 times.

Todays task

Pick at least 2 self-regulation techniques. Perhaps the ones that you feel inclined to try or the ones that seem fun, whatever your reasoning behind the choice may be. 

And practice them several times throughout the day. As we have said previously, things work when we DO them. Can we have your promise here to at least try? There is no other task for today.

 

Chapter 16 - Unhelpful Rules & Assumptions

Unhelpful Rules & Assumptions


Welcome back!

Truth is, we create both helpful and unhelpful rules and assumptions as we go through life. For instance, you might believe that it is necessary to be kind to people whenever possible. It is a lovely rule that makes you a better person. However, what if you think that you shouldn’t even start anything because you won’t have the stamina to follow through with it? That’s damaging. 

The Role Unhelpful Rules & Assumptions Play

Rules and assumptions protect us from perceived failure and from experiencing the negative and potentially damaging emotions that come with it. 

 

The problem is that unhelpful rules and assumptions keep our negative core beliefs intact and alive. They don’t allow us to question, challenge and grow into that next possible version of ourselves. In other words, we are stuck in the same old… same old… It is a vicious cycle. 

 

Rules & Assumptions Lead to Behavior

 

The rules and assumptions we create for ourselves lead to counterproductive thoughts, actions, and behaviors. They literally become the guiding principles in our life. 

 

Imagine being guided by something that is designed to keep you stuck in your smallness! That’s crazy and certainly not in your best interests. However, you can change, my friend. We are on it!

 

At the Heart of Low Self-Esteem…


At the heart of low self-esteem, we usually see rules and assumptions that include all the reasons in the world why one shouldn’t even dream of achieving that financial goal, getting a promotion, finding a loving, kind, and sexy partner, creating a family, buying a beach house, etc.

 

Head to the task for today and find out what rules and assumptions you might have created to keep yourself stuck in smallness. We’ll tackle them later in the program and set you free!

 

Todays Task

Select Unhelpful Rules & Assumptions

 

Below you’ll see a list of the most common unhelpful rules & assumptions that keep people stuck in low self-esteem.

 

Go through this list and mark each rule or assumption that applies to you.

 

Reviewing the list will remind you about the rules & assumptions you have created in your own head, please add them as free-form items at the bottom of the page. This is your personal journey, so the more specific you can be, the better.

 

Add Rules & Assumptions to Your List

  • If I know I won’t be able to do it, I shouldn’t even bother.  
  • I’m not good enough for anything, so I shouldn’t even try. 
  • If I try things, my inadequacies will be exposed. It is better to play safe.
  • It is better to stay invisible, because people are mean, and they will judge me for all my inadequacies.
  • I feel so small in the presence of someone successful, so it is better to stay away from successful people.
  • Gorgeous women / men are way out of my league, so I should just forget about the crush I have.
  • I feel so incapable in front of this huge task, I should just quit before I make a clown of myself trying to complete it.
  • Others will think badly and critically of my work if I make it public.
  • If I can’t do it perfectly, there is no point of doing it at all.
  • I feel so unworthy that I should just disappear in the crowd.
  • If I do what others want, I will be loved.
  • I need to be perfect for people to like me.
  • If I work to the point of exhaustion, I will be appreciated.
  • If people criticize me, they reject me.
  • I can’t allow for people to see the real me because they will be repulsed.

 

Chapter 17 - Unhelpful Behaviors

 

Unhelpful Behaviors


Welcome back!

How many times have you done something stupid, although, you knew better? How many date nights did you say “no” to only because you felt unworthy? How many opportunities for career advancement did you miss only because you thought you weren’t capable enough? Perhaps you have been dreaming of having perfectly toned body, yet were too intimidated by all the good-looking people to even enter the gym… 

It’s time to identify the behaviors that keep on jeopardizing your success, my friend. 


The Function of Unhelpful Behaviors

They are a part of “Let’s keep John safe by protecting the crumbs left of his self-esteem” mechanism. These behaviors keep you away from potential hurt in a short term yet they also keep you stuck and unable to have the life you desire. 

 

Safety Short Term Costs You Happiness Long Term

 

If you say “no” to that date night, there is no chance of being rejected. Phew! The only problem is…you also miss out on the chance to meet someone truly amazing and have a loving relationship.

 

Things You Do to Jeopardize Your Success

 

I remember several years ago really wanting to have a strong masculine man in my life. However, every time a potential partner would appear on the horizon I was acting as if I am fully capable of doing it all by myself. When he would offer to drive me somewhere or to carry bags for me, I’d say “no, I can do it by myself”. I made those wonderful men feel useless. I had to dig deep to understand why I did what I did when I knew what I knew.

 

This stuff is huge, my friend! Today’s task invites you to look at the behaviors that are jeopardizing your success. Dive deep, allow some discomfort and be prepared for a change.

 

Todays task

Unhelpful Behaviors

 

Below you’ll see a list of the most common unhelpful behaviors that people with low self-esteem demonstrate.

 

Go through this list and mark each unhelpful behavior that applies to you. 

 

Reviewing the list will remind you about unhelpful behaviors you tend to demonstrate yourself, please add them as free-form items at the bottom of the page. This is your personal journey, so the more specific you can be, the better.

 

Add Unhelpful Behaviors to Your List

  • Procrastinatinating (constantly delaying or postponing out of fear or to avoid discomfort).
  • Avoiding social gatherings (mostly those where there are going to be people you don’t know).
  • Not applying for the position that you find exciting.
  • Staying in the job you hate.
  • Not going on dates, although, you crave relationships.
  • Withdrawing from activities and people.
  • Avoiding situations where you can potentially be judged or measured against other people.
  • Never asking for what you need.
  • Allowing people to treat you in a poor manner.
  • Staying in a toxic relationship.
  • Putting others’ needs before your own.
  • Not looking people in the eyes.
  • Talking badly about yourself (naming all your perceived flaws to other people).
  • Pleasing people.
  • Not trying new things because you are afraid to fail.
  • Not looking after yourself in terms of physical or/and mental health.
  • Avoiding any potential criticism, even when it is constructive.
  • Constantly compromising.
  • Avoiding any potential conflict.
  • Never acknowledging yourself for good things.
  • Constantly beating yourself up for mistakes.
  • Using self-deprecating humor.
  • Looking for outside opinions rather than trusting yourself.
  • Trying to be “perfect” at all times.
  • Working excessively hard at everything you do.
  • Helping others at your own expense.
  • Controlling everything and everyone.
  • Obsessing about how you look.
  • Constantly seeking reassurance or sympathy.
  • Behaving in ways that are risky or dangerous.
  • Using substances to feel better about yourself short term.
  • Blaming others for everything that happens to you.

 

Chapter 18 - The First Aid #5: The Power of Intention

The First Aid #5: The Power of Intention

According to the spiritual icon Deepak Chopra, intention is the starting point of every dream. It is the creative power that fulfills all of our needs, whether for money, relationships, spiritual awakening, or love. Everything that happens in the universe begins with intention. Your confidence as well.

 Start of Your Day

How we start our day matters. Mornings give us the opportunity to set a positive tone for the day. Wouldn’t it be great to consciously decide how you want to show up in the world? It isn’t just inspiring; it helps us stay more focused on what we want and more aware of our own thoughts and behaviors throughout the day. 

 

Daily Design Method

 

Best-selling author Gabby Bernstein offers us a beautiful way to start each day in a way that is inspiring, uplifting, and purposeful. I would like to introduce you to her Daily Design Method, so you can improve the quality of your days by simply setting a clear intention before you get sucked into work, studies, or just everyday hurdle.

 

Gabby’s method is simple yet powerful. All you need to do each morning is to answer four questions (preferably in writing).

 

How Do I Want to Feel Today?

 

Joyful, inspired, loved and at peace. Perhaps also confident because I have a huge task to tackle. Whatever it is, my friend, just name it.

 

Who Do I Want to Be Today?

 

Fun mum to be around for my kids, wise and sensual woman for my husband, queen of the business jungle at work… You can be as creative here as you like. Think about your day, what awaits you?

 

What Do I Want to Receive Today?

 

Guidance, clarity in terms of my finances, love and appreciation from my family and friends. Be unapologetic about the things you want to receive.

 

What Do I Want to Give Today?

 

My love and full attention to every person I interact with, my time and / or money for someone in need. Life is a play between giving and taking. Be intentional about both.

 

Head to the task for today to complete your first Daily Design Method questionnaire.

 

Todays Task

Daily Design Method

 

Think about your day ahead. You probably have all kinds of things to do and people to see. How would you like to show up? Answer the questions below and get excited about what’s to come. 

  1. How do I want to feel today?
  2. Who do I want to be today?
  3. What do I want to receive today?
  4. What do I want to give today?

 

Chapter 19 - Let's Trace Back #1

 

Let's Trace Back #1


Hello and welcome to Day 19 of your Self-Esteem Program!

 

In the next couple of lessons, we will be connecting the dots. Now that you have identified negative core beliefs about yourself, unhelpful rules & assumptions, and unhelpful behaviors, it is time to see the full cycle. 

Remember The Self-Esteem Model

 

We have introduced The Self-Esteem Model in Lesson 13. While it was all very abstract then, you probably have much more clarity about every part of it now since you have done the exercises. However, for it to start properly make sense and for you to have an “aha” moment or two, we need to join things together.

 

Connect the Dots

 

In today’s lesson, we are going to find out which unhelpful rules & assumptions you have created are driving the unhelpful behaviors that keep on repeating in your life and preventing you from happiness and fulfillment in terms of health, career, relationship, or wealth. 

 

Head to the task for today to start working on your full cycle.

 

Today’s task

Trace Back #1

 

Before you get into today's task, review the list of unhelpful behaviors you have identified in Lesson 17.

 

Pick three unhelpful behaviors that are absolutely wreaking havoc on your life. They might have caused you pain or kept your deepest desires at bay.

 

Complete the Cycle

 

!!! Please complete the Unhelpful Behaviour box first, then go to Unhelpful Rules & Assumptions.

 

Negative Life Experiences (events, relationships, situations that may have influenced your view of yourself) – to be completed later (next lesson)

 

Negative Core Beliefs (evaluation of worth/value as a person; conclusions about yourself based on experience – this is the kind of person I am) – to be completed later (next lesson)

 

Unhelpful Rules & Assumptions (guidelines, rules or strategies for getting by, given the truth of the negative core beliefs about myself) – please review the list of unhelpful rules & assumptions you have identified in Lesson 16. Which of them might have caused each out of 3 unhelpful behaviours you are determined to stop? E.g., if one of my unhelpful behaviours was staying in a toxic relationship, it might have been driven by the assumption that if I do what other people want, I will be loved. 

 

Unhelpful Behaviour (the things I do to try to live up to my rules and assumptions) – write here three unhelpful behaviours that you picked from the list you created in Lesson 17. Ones that inflicted the most pain or kept your deepest desires at bay. In other words, ones you’d like to stop.

 

Chapter 20 - Let's Trace Back #2

Let's Trace Back #2

 

Yesterday you discovered which three unhelpful rules and/or assumptions are behind the three unhelpful behaviors that are wreaking havoc on your life. Well done, my friend! You are halfway there.

Why Is It Important?

 

As Vivek Singh pointed out, understanding ourselves deeply is the only permanent solution to all our problems. Understanding is a prerequisite for self-awareness. When we are aware of our inner mechanisms, we can catch ourselves in action and start implementing the change that will benefit us.

 

Continue Connecting the Dots

 

In today’s lesson we are going to find out which negative core beliefs you have established are behind the unhelpful rules & assumptions that keep on driving the unhelpful behavior.  

 

Head to the task for today to complete working on your full cycle.


Today’s task

(continuation from Trace Back #1)

 

Trace Back #2 

Before you dive deep into today's task, review the list of negative core beliefs you have identified in Lesson 14. 

 

Once ready, head below and continue connecting the dots.

 

Complete the Cycle  

!!! Please complete the Negative Core Beliefs box first, then go to Negative Life Experiences.

 

Negative Life Experiences (events, relationships, situations that may have influenced your view of yourself) – if you have an idea where the beliefs you have identified might have come from, that’s great – write it down. However, if you don’t that’s ok too. You don’t need to dig deep into painful memories to look for clues.

 

Negative Core Beliefs (evaluation of worth/value as a person; conclusions about yourself based on experience – this is the kind of person I am) – look at the three unhelpful rules & assumptions you picked in the previous lesson. Now, review the list of all the negative core beliefs you identified about yourself in Lesson 14. Which three of those could be the precursors of the unhelpful rules & assumptions you selected? E.g., if my assumption is that if I do what others want, I will be loved, it might have been caused by the negative core belief of being unlovable. 

 

Unhelpful Rules & Assumptions (guidelines, rules or strategies for getting by, given the truth of the negative core beliefs about myself) – [your answer from the previous lesson]

 

Unhelpful Behavior (the things I do to try to live up to my rules and assumptions) – [your answer from the previous lesson]